Saturday, December 16, 2006

Sunday 17th December 2006

Possibly my last post for the year 2006...
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I have been quietly grieving inside for the past month. People leaving and somehow i take it personally that they are leaving me. Yet if they did not go, I would not have new experiences and new beginnings. So they go.. so that they too would have new beginnings.. and i grieve.
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And there are those relationships which hurt me so greatly when i am around them and when they go, I still grieve. Perhaps because i am sad that it could never be resolved, perhaps because i couldn't make it better, couldn't make them feel better and i feel so sad they couldn't love me as much as i loved them.
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And in the new year, i will leave my dad once again and break his heart. I really do not like letting people down, it tears me apart.
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i used to wonder why i hated myself so much and then i realized it was because i was carrying around this bag of sad helpless feelings. Over time, it got unbearable, so unbearable i would want to get away from my own company. Sometimes, it's like that but i know now that it isn't me and I am able to look outside it and not be dragged into the delusion of pain and suffering. Perhaps, that's what buddhism meant by existence and the attachment to suffering.
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New beginnings. First, i have to end the old. New beginnings, to embrace it, i must let go of the past, not to forget it.... just to let go.
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3 comments:

Julie H said...

Sulea, so much of what you say resonates through my soul. People slipping away and leavings - they hurt.

And yet, this year I have grown and been blessed through the new people in my life. Even though we have not yet looked into each others eyes, we have met - through art and blogs and mutual friends. Knowing you has been a meeting, a new friendship.

Big hugs to you - my new friend, and try not to let the goodbye hug that is to come darken the joy of reuniting with your Dad.

I will miss you on-line, and look forward to your return.

Dotee said...

Sulea

Like dear Julie so much of what you have written has resonated with me too.

Thanks for your recent emails.Am sorry I have not had time to reply to them.

I understand the grief over people leaving and how hard this must be for you.

However, I do know that you have grown so much in the time I have known you. And this grieving and letting go is making space for new people and experiences in your life.

Your past is past and your future looks bright. Am sure your dad will love seeing you. And you will make the most of your time with him.

You are a very special, and loving person Sulea. It comes through strongly in your words and in your art. I feel very privileged to have gotten to know part of you this year. And will treasure the art you have shared with me (especially the original 'Dotee' painting you sent to me)

Take care, travel safely and I will be here for you when you return.

Lots of love

Dotee xoxo

P.S And thank you so much for your lovely comments on my blog this weekend. You are a sweetheart to say such nice things.

Natalie B said...

Hi Sulea,

Have fun with your family in Malaysia. It is sad to say goodbye, I know, I've said it often enough, but I always think in the back of my mind, "until we meet again" as I like to think that I will see those I love again and as often as possible. Big hugs Natxx