'Nullabor Man' and doggieacrylic on wood
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Sunday 17th December 2006
Possibly my last post for the year 2006...
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I have been quietly grieving inside for the past month. People leaving and somehow i take it personally that they are leaving me. Yet if they did not go, I would not have new experiences and new beginnings. So they go.. so that they too would have new beginnings.. and i grieve.
.
And there are those relationships which hurt me so greatly when i am around them and when they go, I still grieve. Perhaps because i am sad that it could never be resolved, perhaps because i couldn't make it better, couldn't make them feel better and i feel so sad they couldn't love me as much as i loved them.
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And in the new year, i will leave my dad once again and break his heart. I really do not like letting people down, it tears me apart.
.
i used to wonder why i hated myself so much and then i realized it was because i was carrying around this bag of sad helpless feelings. Over time, it got unbearable, so unbearable i would want to get away from my own company. Sometimes, it's like that but i know now that it isn't me and I am able to look outside it and not be dragged into the delusion of pain and suffering. Perhaps, that's what buddhism meant by existence and the attachment to suffering.
.
New beginnings. First, i have to end the old. New beginnings, to embrace it, i must let go of the past, not to forget it.... just to let go.
.
.
I have been quietly grieving inside for the past month. People leaving and somehow i take it personally that they are leaving me. Yet if they did not go, I would not have new experiences and new beginnings. So they go.. so that they too would have new beginnings.. and i grieve.
.
And there are those relationships which hurt me so greatly when i am around them and when they go, I still grieve. Perhaps because i am sad that it could never be resolved, perhaps because i couldn't make it better, couldn't make them feel better and i feel so sad they couldn't love me as much as i loved them.
.
And in the new year, i will leave my dad once again and break his heart. I really do not like letting people down, it tears me apart.
.
i used to wonder why i hated myself so much and then i realized it was because i was carrying around this bag of sad helpless feelings. Over time, it got unbearable, so unbearable i would want to get away from my own company. Sometimes, it's like that but i know now that it isn't me and I am able to look outside it and not be dragged into the delusion of pain and suffering. Perhaps, that's what buddhism meant by existence and the attachment to suffering.
.
New beginnings. First, i have to end the old. New beginnings, to embrace it, i must let go of the past, not to forget it.... just to let go.
.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
What TIME is it???
today is lingering on hesitantly. it's all a blur as to what time it is.. some clocks in the house say it's 5:30 and some say it's 4:30. Is it time to do some gardening and weeding? If it's meant to be 5:30, why is it still so hot?
.
In case you are not from western australia and you're wondering what i'm talking about. We have just recently got daylight savings here. What this means is for the summer, we have to "wind" our clocks forward by an hour. There has been a lot of discussion for and against this move but ultimately, the decision was made by the government for us.
.
It's 5:30 i say to my other half and he goes, no it's 4:30, never heard of 5:30.. so i guess it's 4:30. Determined to ignore day light savings, he is going about as normal but i feel like i'm living in the past. When i think it's 4:30, my heart leaps with excitement to know that i have an extra hour left for the weekend but when i think i'ts 5:30, i am dissapointed.
.
so i look out the window, ignoring whatever time it should be and noticed that it's still hot. I'll wait till the sun goes down before i start on dinner and if i'm still in the mood when that time comes to do some weeding. There is a little resentment in me that we live our lives by the clock. It's like me an my mobile phone. I know it's modern times but carrying around a phone just doesn't agree with my idea of freedom. So i turn the volume down low and hopefully i won't hear it when it rings.
.
can i squeeze in another painting for the weekend? is there enough time?.........
.
.
In case you are not from western australia and you're wondering what i'm talking about. We have just recently got daylight savings here. What this means is for the summer, we have to "wind" our clocks forward by an hour. There has been a lot of discussion for and against this move but ultimately, the decision was made by the government for us.
.
It's 5:30 i say to my other half and he goes, no it's 4:30, never heard of 5:30.. so i guess it's 4:30. Determined to ignore day light savings, he is going about as normal but i feel like i'm living in the past. When i think it's 4:30, my heart leaps with excitement to know that i have an extra hour left for the weekend but when i think i'ts 5:30, i am dissapointed.
.
so i look out the window, ignoring whatever time it should be and noticed that it's still hot. I'll wait till the sun goes down before i start on dinner and if i'm still in the mood when that time comes to do some weeding. There is a little resentment in me that we live our lives by the clock. It's like me an my mobile phone. I know it's modern times but carrying around a phone just doesn't agree with my idea of freedom. So i turn the volume down low and hopefully i won't hear it when it rings.
.
can i squeeze in another painting for the weekend? is there enough time?.........
.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Painting - The Loving Space
'The Loving Space'
acrylic on wood
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The loving space, although it didn't begin intentionally with meaning, i've come to realize that it has a lot to do with how i've been feeling like for the past year.
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Looking at the space which i have called 'myself', i have seen all kinds of images and experiences appear in it. From the rejection of this space, culminating in great sadness, ironically lead to the acceptance and love of this space. On days where I could not find the space, not knowing where to relate from or relate to, ironically enabled the ownership and formation of the space.
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Most of the time, i feel like i'm nothing but a walking shaped space. And yet, when i, the identity-less space decide to love, then i am no longer meaningless space.
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